gosh.. it's been 2 years and i'm still my old deluded-self absorbed-erotomanic-total moron self. have been thinking about the same issues again and again, not to mention being reminded by those who are ignorant enough, doing nothing to know me, and yet shamelessly admit that they are my friend.

all right, yes, i'm the ignorant one, i'm the obnoxious cow,and yes i know i'm the one that give them  can-you-please-shut-your-mouth-and-stop-asking-about myself- look to people when they try (a little less than hard) enough to "know" me...

but i can't be blamed for trying to keep my own secret can i?
I can't be blamed for trying to keep the skeleton safe in the closet right?

Nevertheless, I can't blame those people for solemnly and religiously asking me... on and on..and on.. about the same less-than-clever question.
all right, all right.. the bloody question is..."all of people getting married, when are you going to be a bride yourself?"

Doesn't they know that the bloody interrogation drives me nut and brought total morose to my life? haven't they got a clue that my heart is aching from not wanting to answer the idiotic question let alone to hear it for the zillionth time? Doesn't they know that i need a break from those silly issue?

Allright.. allright. They haven't got any clue.
And it's all coming back to my own fault.
It's all because I'm keeping all the secrets to myself.
I'm keeping all the emotional response to myself, and not even once trying to tell them frankly that I have my own matters to endure.

[and I think I don't have to guess that,
they don't even think that I also have the same feeling of longing to be one, not to mention, I'm also at my tender age, aren't I?
And again, I don't have to guess that, they wouldn't know how those question hurt me so deeply, breaking and tearing my heart-because a marriage seems to me like a very high ambition, and in fact - too high to be reached by my less-than-filthy hands]

Sometimes, I feel like shouting;
GUYS, I REALLY NEED A BREAK, AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CLUE, CAN YOU PLEASE STOP BUTTING INTO MY PERSONAL MATTERS? CAN YOU PLEASE ABSTAIN YOUR BLOODY MOUTH FROM ASKING ME THE SILLY QUESTION??

but yet, i'm just a hippocrite and selfish immature little cow.
I'm not going to tell them off like that.
Cross that.
I'm NEVER going to tell them off like that.
I'm proffesional, OK. And I live in a peaceful, happy and warmth environment. People in this community don't fight, let alone cursing, or even increase their voice.
Except for one stupid biatch i used to live with in College Court. . zettai ni urusanai!
Ok, leave that alone

By the way, I myself am not the type of person who would curse or use bad words inappropriately. Eventhough I was brought up in an environment that uses plenty of high-standard cursing languages and techniques.  I never fancy to use them myself.

But sometimes, when I feel at the edge, I do feel like cursing as well.

But no, I'm bound to know that as a muslim, those unforgivable words will not bring any good, ruining the good relationship and turn the livable, peaceful environment into a complete turmoil.

( Blimey! I do have personal experience on that one too! And it wasn't very nice to recreate the situation,not to mention, it wasn't even a pleasure to recall it. Quite an insult to my memory parts of temporal lobe.)

And again, I keep reminding myself that, living in anguish and going on blaming other people for my own fault won't buy me a better life to live in. However, those angelic reminders are at times, diluted by this small, cruel, evil-like thoughts (as above). The angelic reminders would fight in its own  battle with the evil-like thoughts. And sometimes, the angelic reminders just want to surrender, waving the white flag and just say, " I don't want to fight in this losing battle anymore!! Give me a break!"

come to think about it again, my uncertain inner-self battles are quite often initiated by those questions asked by those mouthes which happily supply their question exessively, without even considering that the demand is actually quite low.

as low as the lowest point on earth. and what would that be? the lowest mantle i presume, because i just googled it. I completely lost in geography now. such a waste!
anyway, back to the main issue - the people whom sparks my inner battle.

Wait. Wait a minute.
Didn't I just reverse to square one now?
Blaming other people for my own weakness?
For my own stupidity?
And for my lack of self-restrain and failing anger management skills?

Duh!! What a cow!
come on girl. Get a grip!

I better pen off now. before i turn into a deluded moron again.
and ah. what's that feeling? quite refreshing.
I'm a little relief now, that i've poured some of the dead armies from the so called uncertain inner-self battle in this black page.

( I've just managed to retrieve the password back after two years, tracking old emails and remembered that I do create another email which I hardly open and has been deactivated. But anyway, that's worth it.)
_____________________________________________________________

AstaghfiruLLahal 'azim 'ala kulli hal.
Ighfir dzunubi Ya ALLAH,
Allahumma Afrigh 'alaina sabran wa thabbit aqdamana wansurna 'alal qaumil kaafireen.
ALLAHumma inni a'udzubika min hamadzatisy syayateen,
wa a'udzubika Rabbi, an yahdhuruun.
Ameen.

(May I be a better person, and lead the life honestly. Ameen)
______________________________________________________________
 

tu tajuk cite cine.. cite medical student.. die ske kat Wai.. tapi die saiko.. die ade kawan lama.. yang tengah sengkek gile. tapi wai ade awek dah.. aku tak tau ape name awek die.. aku pedulik ape.. yang aku tau.. aku ngan Ling same jerk.. aku ingat Ling kate kat Wai .. " bile awak nak kan saya, saya ni ade bile-bile mase.. awak nak saya untuk lepaskan bosan ajek.. awek awak tu bernilai kan? saye ni tak de nilai.."

aku macam tu ek ****? aku macam sampah kan ****? bile ko bosan.. ko carik aku.. ko lepaskan kebosanan ko.. bile ko tensen ngan orang.. ko tak de mood.. ko belah macam tu jek.. ko kate ni bukan hari ko.. tapi ko tak tau perasaan aku macam mane.. ko tak tau aku sedih .. ko ingat aku batu jerk.. buat macam funfair.. bile ko nak carik pelepas kebosanan ko.. .. ikut ske ko jek nak buat ape kat aku..

a'ah.. iye.. memang aku saiko.. a'ah.. iye dah tu blah camtu jek laa kan.. a'ah iye.. bile ko ade problem jek ****.. carik aku sampai due tige pagi.. bile ko nampak aku ade problem.. ko lari je yek.. iyek laa.. ko memang pandai.. kesiankan diri sendiri dulu.. aku gak yang bodo tak kesiankan diri aku nih.. hmm.. FAIL lagi.. FAIL .. FAIL.. adeh.. bodoh laa aku.. kawan ngan ko jek **** aku fail macam2.. aku yang teruk ke.. aku yang bodo ****? aku bodoh laa.. senang kate.. aku cite kat #### ntah le.. kite ni bodoh.. tak reti nak beza mana kaca mana permata.. hmm bukan tak reti beza.. sebenarnya dah tahu mana kaca.. tapi masih lagi dok pilih kace.. dok main-main kace..
#### kate kat aku.. buang jek laa kace tu..
ye, memang betul.. tepat.. itu la yang patut aku buat.. tapi apsal aku kalah terus ni.. huh? apsal aku masih lagi main kace tu. meskipun dah koyak rabak kulit aku ni dilukakan.. tu belum lagi kire internal bleeding.. organ injuries nye lagik.. hati aku? aku rasa cam dah makan jek kace tuh.. aku siap nampak lagi lidah kau berdarah-darah.. bibir aku pecah-pecah.. tapi aku terus amek kace tu.. adeh.. bodohnye lahai aku ni ####.. apsal lak aku layan lagi ***** tu.. die dah musnahkan idup aku sampai camni pon aku masih lagi tunduk kat die..

hmm.. sajek nak tambah mende tak berpekdah dalam idup aku ni.. aku memang bukan muslim yang baik.. patutnye aku berubah laa..achik..achik.. ko jangan camni chik.. banyak lagi mende ko kene buat dalam idup ko..ko tensi ngan #### tahun lepas ko wat camni gak.. ni ko tensi ngan ***** pun ko wat camni gak.. sedih laa ko ni chik.. memang pathethic punye makhluk.. addoi... ko kene tabah chik.. ko tak bley buat ske2 ati. jangan ikut ati jek.. jangan jadik bodow!! saba jek laaa..kalo ko nak bagus.. ko jadik ler bagus.. ko usehe jadik bagus.. bukan macam ni.. ***** memang ler tak bagus untuk ko.. lagi ler ye tak.. ko pun tahu tahap rabbit die cammne... ko pun dah lame sengsare idop ngan die.. dah lame jadik bodo dok backup die . dah lame ko buat keje bodo ni.. die tak jugek nampak ko... jadik ko pilih le chik.. ko nak terus jadik bodo ke.. ko nak kuar dari kebodohan ko tu.. fikir ler chik.. ko bukan budak-budak lagik.. ko dah ade otak..

hmm dah ler.. aku memang terpengaruh laa ngan tapir-tapiran sempoi ngan karat tuh.. hampass.. kalau kire ni blog peribadi.. sah-sah aku cite sumer benda yang jadik dalam idop aku.. biar tadek rasie dah dalam idop aku ni.. biar aku lempar sumer kat lap top ni.. biar.. biar biar laaaaaaaaaaa..

nanti arr.. aku nak exam patho ngan microb lagi ni.. pharm dah jadik ntah ape2 ntah.. kantoi rasenyer.. konon top scorer.. anak kesayangan MARA.. dahler.. ***** mari dalam idup aku jerk.. aku jadik camni.. ah.. mule laa tu nak salahkan orang.. ko sendiri ler chik.. bodo sendiri.. dok jejauh kat obersea ingat lari dari masalah.. hmm.. makin carik masalah jek adelaa.. adei.. bodo nye manusia laa achik ni..

mak .. papa.. sorry ler.. adik tak balik tahun ni.. aku balik pun bukan ade pape kat mesia tu.. ntah nak merempat kat memana pun tak tau laa.. tensi .. nak jumpe sedara mare sumer pun tak dan dah.. ah.. tensi..

isk.. malu aku wey.. tatau laa.. dose dik ko tulis camni pasal mak ayah ko.. dose tau tak.. ALlah tak redha.. dah ler.. berhenti ngarut ni.. ko gi le bace patho tu.. dah fail pharm .. takkan nak fail kan sumer2 yang lain gak.. adeh.. balik kampung pun bukan ade orang nak ko.. baik ko carik idup sendiri.. blajo kasik lulos.. dahtu buat arr paper ko nak..

adeh.. kalau orang bace ni.. mesti tak paham idup aku yang complicated ni.. hmm.. daei laa sangat konon.. tapi sangat corrupted manusia name achik ni.. dahler .. malas aku nak layan sangat emosi ni.. adeh.. ni sumer ***** punye pasal arr.. kalau die tak kate hal semalam.. aku tak tensi camni.... adoi..mule belaja mencarut ni.. adeh.. tapir-tapiran memang bagi impak buruks kat aku.. adei.. YA ALLAH.. kasik le aku bertaubat.. jadik budak bagus-bagus, hmm..

ah. memandai salahkan *****.. yang ko tu achik perasan tak sudah tu..apehal plak.. mana tau.. si #### plak tibe2 tanye kat aku tadi pagi..," enti ada masalah ape..pasal pergaulan ker?" ntah ler #### ooii.. ana nye masalah ko pun tak paham.. nanti ler .. kalau ana cite kat ko pon.. tak guner.. sebab tak selesai ape2.. ana pun dapat malu.. jadik.. sekian ajerk laa.. biar ana simpan sendiri.. tak kirelaa ####.. hang nak kate aku ni perahsia ke ape..

rahsie aku hak aku ler.. aku punye pasal.. korang ape tau.....dah ler.. malas aku nak cite ape2 lagik.. aku memang perahsie.. biar arr ..aku senang idop camtu.. blah arr BM sumer.. aku tak nak .. aku nye pasal laa.. aku tau arr aku tak layak ikut prosedur2 BM tu sumer.. kalo ndak kat aku pun.. aku tak ndak ler sesape.. korang bagus sangat daripada aku.. dah kalo nak kat aku pon.. nanti aku kena plak cite detail mak ayah aku cammane.. abang aku cammane..kakak aku cammane.. blah arr.. baik aku idop sendiri.. dari dok sebok nak "sesuaikan" ko ngan keluarge aku.. biarkan ko carik zaujah yang bagus sumer2.. aku ni tak de pun ciri-ciri zaujah pejuang.. biar aku "berkorban" laaa.. aku tak kesah sangat.. asal aku senang ati..

-- tengah saiko nak mati ni .. addoi!!? --

hmm.. ntah ler.. tak tau lagik.. aku ingat ***** member baik giler.. tapi banyak kali dah die buat camni.. adei.. bile nampak aku ade problem jer.. die yang lari dulu.. adei.. mati ler .. malas nak layan.. kalau die ade problem die carik aku sampai pagi bute.. adei.. aku gak laa yang bodo nyer.. layan tak tentu pasal dia tuh.. adei.. last-last campak aku cam sampah jer.. adei..

ade patut kate ," ***** carik achik buat lepas boring jerk"..

hmm lame dah aku sedar.. ko kate memain pun aku paham la ****.. aku paham sangat.. memang betul laa.. kalo takde niat.. takkan ko kate camtu ye tak.. guro pun aku paham.. guro yang betul..

dahler ****.. ko amek laa sumer kebahagiaan yang ko nak tu.. aku ni nyebuk je kat idop ko.. adei.. ape kate ko kate gini jek kat aku.. " gi mati ler achik..aku malas dah nak layan ko". kan senang cite..

malas dah aku nak layan orang cam ko.. ntah-ntah ko pon memang malas nak layan aku.. cam bagus je ek ****.. ntah pape jerk..

ntah ler ****.. cam selama ni aku rase ko anggap aku cam pompuan murahan jerk.. ye tak.. layan ko bile2 ko nak.. dahtu blah bile2 ko rase tensen ngan orang lain.. ko pun malas nak layan aku.. hmm.. tak per arr ****.. aku ni memang takde rega nye manusia.. buat ler pape pon.. aku terime ler.. aku gak yang bodo ye tak..

   eh entahler.. aku rase memang aku hipokrit laa.. adeh.. tatau laa.. apsal orang tengok aku cam bagus jek.. padahal, dalam hati aku ni, karat ntah ape2 ntah.. wey.. tak kire laa kan.. aku orang gak.. aku nak jadik bagus gak. tapi hati ni teruji gak.. adei..

   eh entahler.. apehal.. ske-ske je nak label aku rock.. ye.. aku memang rock.. tak kesah ler.. tapi aku masih lagi orang.. aku masih ade hati gak.. ade gak ler perasaan wey.. addei laa..mentang-mentang ingat aku rock.. bleh ske2 laa eh nak ignore aku nye kemanusiaan ni..adei.. ske ati laa.. apehal ntah ske kate aku ni nampak cam takde perasaan..

   eh entahler.. adei.. dah nampak aku tak de perasaan tu, ske2 laa plak kan nak treat aku cam kambing.. adei.. aku masih orang laa eii..huhu...

   eh entahler... aku memang teruk pun.. tak yah cakap pun tak per.. korang je tertipu nampak aku baik sangat kononnyer.. adei...ape hal ntahnyer..

   eh ntah ler.. aku pun tak paham gak..

Mende ni takde kene mengena ngan aku pun.. amek kat blog tapir-tapiran..tapi aku ske.. sebab ade gak rase cam tu.. adehai..

memang takde langsung kene mengena ngan aku.. huhu.. malas nak cite ape.. tapi tensi laa aku.. adehai.. dok dalam ilusi sajek kejenye.. tak sedar2..huhu..

" Aku sangat kesian dengan die!!! kesian sangat!!! kene tinggal then orang itu cari yang lain!!! kesian kat budak itu sebab kau tak tengok ape dah jadi semalam!!! lagi kesian kat budak itu kalau die tengok ape dah jadi semalam!! Lagi kesian sebab takde orang nak comfort kau bila kau dalam keadaan yang sangat aku kesian kan!!! lagi kesian sebab budak itu tak pegi kelas sebab diekecewakan! lagi kesian sebab budak itu buat kuiz dalam keadaan dikecewakan!! lagi kesian sebab nanti gred die jatuh!!

- Lagi kesian kat aku sebab aku yang tunggu kau dah lama ni kau buat tak kisah je yek!!!! - "